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smashingembryos · Member

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

smashingembryos · Member

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

fritz · Silver Status Member

I like the turtle joke.

6" is very worn out.

smashingembryos · Member

Last year,we were ready to go out for Thanksgiving: we turned on a night light,, and put the cat in the backyard.We phoned and requested a taxi.The taxi arrived,as we opened the front door to leave, the cat we had put out in the back yard, scooted back into the house! We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parakeets.
I went to the taxi, while my gf went to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with her in hot pursuit.Waiting in the cab, I don't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the driver that my gf will be out soon, "She's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mom."
A few minutes later, She got into the cab."Sorry I took so long," she said, "That stupid b***h was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.But it worked! I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all ›

jlwilliams · Veteran Member

Barak Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

Bartender asks "Where did you get that?"

Parrot says, "Chicago"

smashingembryos · Member

A tourist from New York was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' he asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother here?

No, she left before I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the city slicker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'