Air Gun Home :: View topic

AirGunEric · Site Admin

What would you do if you were in the following scenario?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you don't know, see answer below.

THROW AWAY THE BOTTLE AND GET YOUR DRUNK a$$ OFF OF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why...
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
Me and somebody else.

And there you are- sitting on your a$$, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .. POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... she was gone.

After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.

"Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

Alstone · Moderator & Site Supporter

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

“Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

AirGunEric · Site Admin

har har on that joke, Al! Could probably replace "US Congressman" with just about any politician!

Here's today's joke as well:

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual gripe sheets submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an E). By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
E: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
E: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
E: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
E: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
E: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
E: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
E: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
E: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
E: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
E: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
E: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
E: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
E: Took hammer away from midget

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at
their favorite bar drinking beer when Jim turns to
Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go
to the community college and sign up for some
classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two
leave the bar.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets
the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four
basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logical
Reasoning.

"Logical Reasoning?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The Dean says, "I'll demonstrate. Do you own a
weedeater?"

"Yeah", Jim replies.

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater,
I can reason that you would own a yard".

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes , I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might
logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

And because you have a wife, then logical reasoning
tells me that you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able
to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited about taking the class now, Jim shakes the
Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how his is signed up
for Math, English, History, and Logical Reasoning.

"Logical Reasoning", Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No", Bill replies.

"Then you're a queer", Jim says.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!, you got dem on the wrong feet!".

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A new 2nd Lieutenant was transferred from West Point to an outpost in Iraq.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. So he asks the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replies "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Lieutenant says "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After the Lieutenant has been at the base for about 6 months, he can't stand it any more, so he tells the Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL."

The Sarge shrugs his shoulders and leads the camel into the Lieutenant's quarters. The Lieutenant gets a foot stool and proceeds to have vigorous intercourse with the camel.

As he steps down, satisfied, and is buttoning his pants he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replies, "Well Sir- usually they just use it to ride into town."

Alstone · Moderator & Site Supporter

Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's Retirement Dinner

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Chrétien
and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a
busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A pen@s," replied Madame Aline Chrétien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what
to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in English dey pronounce dat
word, "Appiness."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, ... a mortar round
exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from
8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00
P.M., why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job." The interviewer says, "For the first two hours
every morning we just stand around scratching our balls... no point in
you coming in for that."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

An Indiana State Trooper pulled a car over a bit west of the Kentucky/Indiana state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Indianapolis to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk redneck, from Kentucky, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me on to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Now this one is going to offend someone (everyone?):

A really ugly guy walks into the local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly guy. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place."

"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A guy walks into a bar with a gator on a leash.

The bartender says "you can't have that animal in here, its dangerous."

The guy says "No he's not, he's harmless. He even does tricks."

So the guy walks over to the pool table, grabs a cue, takes out his pen@s, sticks it in the gator's mouth and proceeds to beat the gator over the head with the stick.

Now a crowd has formed. The guy takes out his wang and it's unmarked.

He looks around the room and asks "Does anyone else want to try it?"

So, a little old lady pipes up and says "Sure! Just don't hit me in the head with that stick."