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AirGunEric · Site Admin

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and she insists on a
3-carat ring.
5t h Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized
nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma,
her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of
your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home
along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!!!!!!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can, and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her, but she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

'It's o.k.,' he replied, 'it's written in the Bible.'

So, after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picked up the Bible off the dresser and opened it to the front cover where someone had written in pencil - 'The hat check girl puts out!'

AirGunEric · Site Admin

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead singer Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total suspense, he solemnly said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

After a minute voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, fookin' stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

"I was depressed last night

-so I called that 1-800 service, "Lifeline"..

Got a call center in Pakistan.

-told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his
pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live
female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to
drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a
quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5, and a box of small condoms.'

Mr. Green

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Upon arriving home, a man is met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times
before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband jumped in his car, and drives
downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could get two words out, the druggist interrupts him: "Now, just a minute Mister,
listen to my side of the story, please."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys
inside. I had to break a window to get back in the house for my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got stopped for speeding. Later, when I was about four blocks
from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store
opened and started waiting on these people. All this time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone kept on ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke. The smell was awful, I'm tellin' you.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing off the hook. I finally managed to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.... And Mister, as God is my witness, all I did
was answer her question."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

Bhargav · Veteran Member

A war reporter was interviewing a sniper and he asked..

"What do you feel when you carefully level your gun, take an aim and shoot the enemy in the head?"
The sniper replied...... "recoil"

Mr. Green

AirGunEric · Site Admin

The Irish..

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

T he Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Green Beret Training:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=N4HIrdMMhpM

broommaster2000 · Moderator

I knew it! Mr. Green

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word 'fascinate'.

Molly put up her hand up and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restauant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."