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AirGunEric · Site Admin

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partners?"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Some signs you may not be getting a Christmas bonus this year:

Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future".

The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.

On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.

What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet".

You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.

When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies.

Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw.

In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

The outdoorsman · Veteran Member

A hunter named Jim loved to brag about his German shorthaired pointer.

Jim always claimed it was the best bird dog a man could ever own!

"You can be sure when he points, that a game bird is near"Jim would say.

one day Jim and his friend george were into town in a pick up truck , with this

pointer in the back of the truck. All the while im kept braging about his bird dog.
The truck stopped at an intersection when George noticed that the dog was froze in a point. "Look at this stupid dog 'o yers" said george "he's pointing and there aint no bird around for miles, surely you cant expect me to believe that he can smell a bird that far away"?!

JIm looked Puzzled "he's never made a mistake before"he said

"looks like hes pointing at that man in the car over there" george kidded

Jim now looked relieved "yell at that man over there to roll his window down" said Jim.

George did,

"Hey sir" Jim called "what is your name?"

"Bob" The man replied

"Bob what" Jim said

"Bob white" came his reply

"see i told you, the best bird dog a man could have"

LOL

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Not so much a "gut buster", but more of a "social commentary":

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on
a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of
him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though
he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant,
she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with
her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the
'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old a$$?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Burn!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and says her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

'Impossible' says the doctor. 'Show me'

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and
screams, and then she pushes on her elbow, and screams in
even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, and then
she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her
ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her
scream.

Doctor says, 'You're not really a redhead are you?'

'Well, no', she says, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so', the doctor says, 'Your finger is broken'.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man from the city is out plowing the field on his new hobby-farm and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A old farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller, "You need a mule to plow such wet ground."

"Where can I buy one?"

"Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars" the old farmer says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. Is tomorrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news. I went out after breakfast and the mule was dead."

The city feller says "just give me my money back then".

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! Us city fellers know a few tricks."

A month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy, so I gave him his two dollars back!"

Think about it for a minute- it is funny!

quelt · Member

AirGunEric · Site Admin

"Just one guy, so I gave him his two dollars back!" Think about that- only one guy complained and got his money back- who might that have been? The winner maybe?

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Woodpeckers

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Top Ten Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary:

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

dedpool · Veteran Member

HAHA eric, that one was amazing