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AirGunEric · Site Admin

Redneck Medical Dictionary:

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheaper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to upholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A guy is looking to buy a saw to cut down trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw can cut a hundred cords of wood in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" he asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day." So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and cuts, and cuts until nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced the saw is defective. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I'm taking this back and complaining!"

The next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, looks it over and says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Three Irish monks have passed all but one of the tests to obtain full membership in their brotherhood. The last test is the test of purity.

The monks must tie bells to their penises and then are left in a room with a naked woman.

They do this and enter the room. The woman dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands.

She dances in front of the next monk, and, after a couple of minutes, 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells.

Now she moves on to the last brother, dancing in front of him. No ringing.

Finally, The woman nods; "Good, you have passed. Now go take a shower with your brothers."

"Ding-ding! Ding-ding!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

OLD GIRLFRIEND

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying
that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a Great
lover.

Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f#ck off.

23ib0d0n · Moderator

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Please Ted, make it a double . . .

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Eddie came to work Monday and one of his co-workers asked him "how was your weekend, Ed?"

"Played a little golf," Ed replies.

"How well did you do?" the coworker asks?

"I hit two of my best balls," he says.

"Tell me about it!" asks the co-worker.

"I stepped on a rake."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Man: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Alstone · Moderator & Site Supporter

Question:

How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an
Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:

Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner,

locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?"

UK Police Officer's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-9-9?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away.
Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and
kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity
to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home? .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Australian Officer's Answer:

BANG!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

American Officer's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click....(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!

Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?''

under500fps · Veteran Member

Officer from Rolling Eyes

StevieLaner7777 · Moderator

Hehe!

Fits well with the theme!

I would class it a 'Funny Image', though on its own it's not as funny so it has a good enough reason to stay lol!

Our Herefordshire police can be pretty stupid at times to:

Bran new lights!!! not any more!!

Stevie Thumb Up!

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Two guys are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision."

"Damn! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Another "You May Be a Redneck When:" topic

1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.