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AirGunEric · Site Admin

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER, a narrative

Fresh from the shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of telling me (as usual) it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

"Worked for your a$$, didn't it?"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 12 lb Walleye on the first trolling pass and a 25 lb Northern on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Musky when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more passes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best day's fishing by far. He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the lake, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Really stupid crooks.

Apparently these are true:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Gay Test for Men:

Ask yourself: Am I?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and
doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,
has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to
be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come
here! I said get your a$$ over here, Killer!" Now think about how
you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're
fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a faggetti.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world
is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man
will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a
Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free a** passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you
can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying
to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to
honk at a slow-a$$ driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the
time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
hamburger, or hold his beer.

8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are
definitely on the verge of being a fudgepacker.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Warning! Men- watch out.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a visual aid to assist in seeing how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf Beer Demo

2514 · New Member

Three men in a tent wake up in the morning,

The one on the left says, "I had a dream about having sex last night",

The man on the right says: "I two had a dream about having sex as well"

Then the man in the middle says:"I dreamed I was skiing!!!".

2514 Point & Laugh

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a
nickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman puts the nickel in her pocket
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

leadman · Veteran Member

ROFL divorce attorney you crack me up

there once was a man named dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
she looked like sh!t and was missing a tit
but think of the money he'd save

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walks in.

"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I'm over here."

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

AirGunEric · Site Admin

Maria is a devout Catholic.

She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband.

Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

AirGunEric · Site Admin

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone (verify this is not covered in codes 7400 through 7406)
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8200 Writing un-productive lists that will be ignored.

AirGunEric · Site Admin

A 90-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

quelt · Member

woah, first he is 90 then he is 85?

AirGunEric · Site Admin