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Rogerflat · Silver Status Member

Ok, so I talked to my mom on mother's day. It was very troubling for me. She's a 55 y/o woman living with her 85 y/o father. He is not all there mentally and she has a lot of psychological problems as well. She has very little money, and I don't think she even has her own car. She says she just spends all her time sitting in the back room of this house because it is the only room in the house that doesn't have mold growing in it and won't make her sick. Apparently she nor my grandfather have the resources or willingness to fix the problems in their home.

In addition, she has battled depression for years. She's single, both her kids are grown up, and my sister who lives near her doesn't want much to do with her at this point, which I can't blame her. I live over 1,000 miles from my mom so I can't see her easily and I haven't seen her in a few years.

But yeah, the "mother's day call" yesterday was just really upsetting. She is in a very bad place--lonely, poor, and has no hope for the future. I was going to take her on a vacation with my girlfriend, but I doubt that will do much to fix her life problems. I'm scared that if I bring her out she'll try to sabotage my relationship with my girlfriend too. But if I cancel this trip, I'm sure that would totally devastate her.

I just dont' know what to do. Even beyond this vacation I want to take her on, I don't know how to help my mom get her life together. Any advice guys?

aircube · Veteran Member

boy thats tough. Have you considered sending a social worker or someone to her house to assess her living conditions and her mental situation?

Not sure where u're at, but perhaps there is something availible in her area??

Rogerflat · Silver Status Member

Jaxom · Senior Member

I can relate to all this Roger. RE my driver's license issue. I wrote my governor, sect of state, attorny general and the head of the family and human services... IN part of the letter I explained that since my mother has no insurance that I litterly saved the state well in excess of $130,000 in nursing home fees. I went on to explain I wasn't expecting a reimbursement, and that all I want is my license (even a restricted one) in order to seek work.

Today I get this letter back from the head of the childsupport division acknowledging my letters, but at the same time blaming ME for all this!!! The head of this department ends the letter by telling me to contact another state department, whom when I called tells me to call the department of family and human services back! OY!!!!

I don't know what to tell you about how to handle your mother's situtation. It can be quite frustrating when, as I'm sure you already know she needs help, but at the same time you know what will happen if you try to help.

My prayers and thoughts are with you as well Roger.

dummyracer36 · Senior Member

Roger.... PM sent.... please, take advantage

dummyracer36 · Senior Member

my elderly parents (mom born in 1932 and pop in 1927) moved into my house in st louis prior to me moving to florida, i moved back because they need me here. Roger, i might have a few words of wisdom that are worth hearing.

sniper · Silver Status Member

hmmm,

i can't give advise just my own situation. my mother is silmilar as what you desrcibe your dinamic. my kicker.

i own a business with my mother. my mother and wife don't get along too well these days. we all live in the same neighborhood, my mother is going through multiple spinal surgeries and unless i never stop working she has no money as the biz is small and i only have 1 employee.

my wife and i are trying to plan a move to idaho in 3 years. WAAAAY DRAAAAAMA there.

i've lived with the whole suicide/nursing home thing for years. my mom is 61.
yesterday was hard cuz my wife wasn't present because my mom and wife are fighting. hmmmm. guess who's in the middle?

i want out of the family biz and ca on more than one level.

thanks for letting ME vent on yours.

Jaxom · Senior Member

That I could use some advice on as well. This second round of chemo has been particular hard on my mother. A few times now she's made comments on how I'd be better off if she'd just take all her pain meds and be done with it all.

I don't think she will, but at the same time, what a shock to hear her say that, let alone think it!

sniper · Silver Status Member

i don't know if there is advice on dealing with that. my grandfather talked the same for many years. he got his wish (by natural causes) in 2002.

f#ck i don't want to get old. Mad

AirGunEric · Site Admin

I wouldn't assume that the first thing a social services worker who comes to the house is going to do is "commit" your mother. Putting people in facilities costs money- and if your mother isn't paying, the state will be. Not something they want to have to do. They might very well do her some good with help around the home and such.

As for "I'll kill myself if..." these are empty threats usually- as they have no idea where they'll end up, and "change" is the enemy- extreme statements such as this come out.

The next question is "why is the house full of mold?" Go for a visit and find out- maybe they need to install a dehumidifier and plug a couple of leaks. Mold can be eliminated, but it may be alot of work and expense- find out what/how bad the problem really is or isn't and go from there.

scroller99 · Veteran Member

Mold is hell, usually being that a house is below grade, once it starts and gets a hold,it permeates everything and replacement of sheetrock and scrubbing with bleach is the start and if it is long term usually you will have to replace some of the studs as well.
I would contact a socail worker and explain the situation, sometimes the county has programs that will help out with living situations ( my mom got her house insulated for free) and a lot of times talking about suicide is a cry that they really are looking for help and don't know how to go about it. 55 is awful young for a nursing home I'm sure they can come up with something beside assisted living. my thoughts and prayers are with you Howard

Rogerflat · Silver Status Member

Thanks for the comments guys. The mold in the house is coming from a leaking roof. Being the rainy season there, I'm sure their house has been saturated. The thing is, my grandpa doesn't care because he's had cancer for years. He knows nothing is going to kill him that isn't already killing him. So he has no reason to fear the mold or bother to get it fixed. And he doesn't care about my mom's well being unfortunately. That's just how he is.

She is not ready for a nursing home. But she doesn't seem to be able to cope with life and be willing to try to support herself and make her situation better. I fear the worse but hope for the best.